I released my latest non-fiction sexuality book last week. Some have asked me what it's been like writing a book exposing my relationship with sexual fantasy, fetish, and erotic media. Here's an illustrated post of my answer.
*One day I saw one too many “Top Ten Weird Fetish” lists and decided to write my own book.
All right. It was a bit more complicated than that. Basically, in my life, I had read so many great sex books….
…but none I found really delved into the real life issues about living with a fetish or the role sexual fantasies play in our lives.
I decided I was going to have to write the book myself.
I dove right in….
…But then I realized that I would have to reveal my own sexual fantasies and come out about being a fetishist.
I would have to tell my family, friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers what I’m into.
Things like bondage…
I’d have to talk about my experiences writing erotica, and watching porn, and things I can’t even find GIF’s for.
I didn’t know what would happen if I let it all out. But I expected the worst.
Then I remembered I already wrote a book about my open marriage and how a neurogenic bowel/bladder impacts my sex life. What did I really have to lose?
So I got to work.
I was very enthusiastic during the first draft.
But then re-writes and edits slowed me down.
So I decided to do some field research and see what people wanted to know about fetishes and sexual fantasies.
Some people weren’t that supportive.
Them: “Yeah, but… letting people talk about fetishes gives people permission to hurt each other and talking about sexual fantasy will make people addicted to porn!”
But most people I talked to were really excited!
A lot of people even shared really intimate things about their sexual desires and I made some amazing connections.
This encouraged me to give the book everything I had to give and to push myself as far as I could to write on these topics. I got to it!
When I finished the book, I cried.
Then: formatting. Tremendously tedious and boring.
But during final read throughs, I felt like I had produced the best work of my life to this point.
I felt like a fucking rock star!
…for about ten minutes.
Then the doubt arrived. The fear. The desire to run back into polite society and hide.
But I confronted all those thoughts…
…and published the book anyway.
I have saddled up for a bumpy ride.
And I’ve thought up some creative ways to cope with haters.
Because I wrote about everything from porn to erotic fan fiction to fetishes to male pregnancy romances….
But I’m excited to open up the conversations around fetish, fantasy, and our erotic imaginations. I want to raise a torch for intellectual and sexual freedom.
After all, an erotic mind is a terrible thing to waste.
I honestly don’t know what will happen next.
I’m sure I’ll make some new friends on the internet, at least.
Perhaps one of them will be you?