Monday, June 8, 2015

10 Reasons I Include Porn in My Marriage


Type “porn” and “marriage” in Google and a myriad of articles appear fretting about how porn is utterly ruining marriage. A fairly representative post can be found here. If that one's not scathing enough, read this one
I personally used to have lots of issues with porn. But now I’m a pro-porn advocate and I believe people can make porn a healthy part of a balanced sexuality and even, yes, marriage. Below are ten reasons I intentionally include porn in mine.

1.       Strengthen trust with honesty and shared vulnerability

Because we are open about the role porn (and erotica) plays for us individually and in our marriage, we can tell each other truthfully when something we see turns us on, when we want to try something we’ve seen, when we are in the mood to watch something, or any number of other things. We don’t have to worry about lying or sugar coating the truth about our desires, and that honesty means we trust each other with the information. And the truth is, hearing, “Wow, that woman/man is really hot!” can make a person feel vulnerable. But we talk about that, too. Because, “Hey, you saying that woman in the porn show is hot makes me feel really insecure and upset,” is a good conversation to have. And I’m happy we have had those conversations. I’ve learned a lot about myself and our relationship by understanding why I feel vulnerable and many of those conversations started with porn.
2.       Realistic view of our relationship and sexualities

Even when I swore I wasn’t looking at porn, I was. Not very often, maybe once every three or four months, but I was still lying when I said I never watched it. And I’m glad my husband now knows. Because even if I was still only watching porn once every few months but said I didn’t, he wouldn’t have a genuine view of my sexuality. I believe a lot more people watch porn than admit to it, even to their spouses. I know that in my marriage, a genuine view of each other’s sexuality includes porn.

 3. Start the engine

I love my husband and I love the intimacy we share. But sometimes that erotic engine needs a little jumpstart, because cuddly kisses just make me want to fall asleep after a long day at work. I don’t need to watch the porn through our entire encounter, nor do I need to watch it to get started every time. But sometimes it really helps.
4.       Ideas

We are fairly creative people. But sometimes you just gotta see something with your own eyes. This can be especially true in kink porn. (Though check out books and other resources to play safe: The Ultimate Guide to Kink / The Adventurous Couples Guide to Sex Toys / The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn) Porn gives you ideas. You don’t have to try or like them all, but a little brainstorming never hurt.

5. Find things you don’t like

Just like finding new ideas for things you want to try, porn is also valuable in finding things you don’t like. And having a safer mediator to discuss things you don’t want to do rather than screeching to a halt in the middle of sex to have that discussion is helpful as well.

6. It’s not a dirty little secret

I’m not afraid to find porn stuffed under the mattress or a secret web browsing history because we have talked about it and integrated it into our sex lives. I believe we each deserve privacy – I watch things without him and he watches things without me – but the fact is we know about it and it isn’t a big deal. I used to be super afraid of getting caught and it made me feel compulsive and like the porn controlled me. Now that it’s out in the open, that feeling isn’t there anymore and I don’t feel panicked or controlled by porn. It has become much less important to me since I have been able to be open about it.

7. Boobs don’t brainwash

A tiny sliver of my being from time to time still believes the anti-porn raving that watching porn brainwashes men to crave nothing but images of huge boobs. Makes me feel all small and like I can’t compete. But I’m reminded over and over and over that my husband and I value our sex life more than images of big boobs. Those women are beautiful, and powerful, and so am I. And it feels really good to play around with porn with my husband and truly feel empowered.

8. Variety

Just like we have vibrators, lubes, and other toys at our disposal for adding choices to our sexual repertoire, porn is like another sex toy. Sometimes we use it, often we don’t. We don’t force it on each other – if I’m not in the mood for the vibrator we don’t use it, if he’s not in the mood for the porn show we don’t watch it. But it’s an option.

9. Bonding

Since we have started watching some porn together we have both found we use it by ourselves less. It’s more fun to watch it with each other even though we flip it off fairly quickly because, well, we carry on. I would have never imagined we would bond over porn, but we have.

10. We don’t resent each other’s tastes

Though we bond over watching porn, each of us still has a genre we love but the other despises. But that’s okay. Early in my journey with porn I was very resentful because the only porn that seemed to be available was porn my husband liked and I didn’t. It made me angry. But when I started finding my own cup of tea to sip, it made me able to let him enjoy his, without resentment. Being able to have porn that I like for myself is really important and makes me much happier in my relationship. We don’t need permission to like what we like – we respect each other and our rights to our own tastes.

It’s not all gloom and doom. If you Google “Porn good for marriage” a few articles do appear. Here’s a good one to start with. ‘Til next time.

2 comments:

  1. I love this! If it wasn't for you, I think I'd still be beating myself up about "relapsing" and failing at NoFap or "PMO" and all the guilty feelings that came with demonizing porn. I was a big believer of the anti-porn rhetoric from Fight the New Drug, to Gail Dines, to Your Brain on Porn - they all had such compelling arguments. It's not that they are "wrong" it's just that I have found so much more peace and happiness and authentic growth by owning the fact that I watch porn sometimes and it has helped me feel stronger and more stable. Nothing to hide, or prevent, or resist, or control. Porn, in a way, was a path to enlightenment for me! Thanks again for our talks and everything you have shared.

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    1. Thank you, and thanks for adding your perspective here. It's definitely a topic I plan to write more about. And eventually I need to get around to reviewing "Your Brain on Porn." Yeah. That'll be great. Ha.

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