I couldn’t let May get away without posting in honor of National Masturbation Month! A bit of background can be found here and here.
Let me begin by saying, I love masturbating. It’s right up there with chocolate éclairs and summer rainstorms. I completely believe masturbation should be addressed in sexual education. As an adult with some experience of relationships, I am sad to see how masturbation can at times come between partners in committed relationships. Feelings of shame, betrayal, and jealousy often surround masturbation between partners in relationships. And single people often feel that it is dirty, embarrassing, or feel they are pathetic for masturbating rather than having a partner.
Personally, I wish I had masturbated more when I was single and before I was sexually active. All the things I had discovered about my sexuality solo were things that are really enjoyable with a partner. Masturbation helped me learn my body and what I want sexually so I could communicate that with my partner(s). There were many more things I could have learned at a more satisfying pace had I masturbated more often.
Certainly there are some insecurities surrounding masturbation. If you are with a partner you may feel your partner isn’t getting what s/he needs from you sexually and so has to masturbate. From my own experience, and those of friends, that is usually not the case. Most people, no matter how much they love having sex with their partners, will need some “me time.” Time to fantasize and do things they can only do with themselves. I enjoy different sex toys when I masturbate vs. when I’m having sex with a partner. One is not better than the other, they are just different. And I often find I’m in the mood for the sensations I get from masturbating, even when I am satisfied from sexual encounters with partners.
I think the clouds darken around the topic of masturbation in relationships because porn and fantasy are often accomplices in the act. I personally felt very insecure thinking about my husband fantasizing about other women or watching other women in porn. I had to come to terms with these other things before I was all right with my husband masturbating. Letting go of those fears also made my own sessions even more fun.
And why? Because I’m good at masturbating. My fantasies are perfectly timed and my orgasms are powerful. What’s not to love about that? I remember in early college a friend asked me if I ever masturbated and I said no. That was a lie. I feel bad for lying about it then because she, like others, was searching for a connection. We are searching for ways to cope with all the shame society and family has put on us about our sexualities. I’m here to say today that I do masturbate and there is nothing wrong, pathetic, dirty, or malicious about it. A great resource for masturbation myths can be found here.
Finally, my own journey to masturbation was rather unconventional. I started masturbating when I was 12, but I didn’t realize until I was a sophomore in high school that masturbation usually involved touching yourself. I never had – all the times I had masturbated before, I was literally “thinking myself off.” In fact, the more still my body, the more passionate my orgasm. I still possess this ability to think myself off. It is indeed my preferred outlet when I get myself off. (I wrote a post about thinking myself off and can be found here!)
I just wanted to post this in celebration of National Masturbation Month. I feel upset that I was so closed and confused about masturbation in the past. It was taboo, a secret, and something that brought me shame and feelings of jealousy.
But that was the past. Today I’m a huge advocate of masturbation. It’s divine to get to know yourself. Solo sex is fantastic! Masturbating helps you communicate with your partners, helps you dream up new ideas to try with partners, and allows you to experience sensations you can only have with yourself. I hope more couples can talk more openly about fantasy and masturbation. I hope more people can explore different ways of masturbating – using erotica, sexy thoughts, and new toys. I hope more people can feel happy masturbating as a safe sexual outlet. And that begins by talking about masturbation, reaching out, and being honest.
I love my husband and sexual partners, and I fucking love to masturbate. Thanks for reading!